Loved You First
by Hallucifer
Summary: Lucifer wanted so much for Sam to understand. If he'd just been able to explain, to give his side of the argument. If he could have just let Sam know how much he truly cared for him. Lucifer addresses his thoughts to Sam on everything he truly wanted to say.


I loved you first. I have loved you for such a very long now. I've lived so long, I know there was so much before, but I can hardly remember a time when I didn't love you. I know there was one, by which I mean no insult, simply that I did not know of you, I did not know what would happen, how I would... But that doesn't matter now.

As soon as I knew of you I loved you. You were just an idea then, a little spark of fate in waiting, a light I could see on the other side of the field of time, just shining on the horizon. Time crawled away and brought me closer to you, slowly, so agonisingly slowly I almost went mad with it at times.

May 2nd 1983. I had waited for that day for so long. I could not know exactly when it would be, only that it was sworn to happen. It was assured, the union of John Winchester and Mary Campbell, brought together to create such important creatures. I imagine the heavens sang when the first son was born, but I cared only for you.

I waited for you. I waited so long, until finally it happened and I _felt_ it, I felt you come into the world. Even from the depths of the pit, I could feel you like a single ray of sunlight shining through the cold darkness. You don't know how hard I tried then- even though I knew it wasn't time- to claw my way to you. I shook the bars of my prison, I burned to the very extent of my power, I raged with only one consolation to keep me sane. _Sam Winchester is born. Sam Winchester is born. Sam Winchester is born_.

I want you to understand, I would have come to you if I only could. I would have watched over you, guarded you, given you everything from the start. Even free from my imprisonment, I would have waited for you. Waited until you were ready. If only I could have been there to show you the truths that the rest of the world corrupted in your mind. I could have made you love me. I could have made you _happy_, Sam.

We had so little time together. I had to try and make you understand in haphazard stolen moments, catching you whenever I could, having to resort to approaching you in your dreams because they... _they_ kept you hidden away from me. They don't understand. They couldn't possibly understand. It's because of them that you didn't understand either. If we'd only had longer together, I could have _explained_.

...Sam. You are such an intelligent being, but I pity you your naivety. It's not your fault. You've had so many _lies_ told to you. Not just to you. I've been falsely represented. The hideous horned, bat-winged pictures in your books and media. The liar, the deceiver, all these names attributed to me by those who know nothing about that which they speak of. I am no liar. Quite the opposite, I was cast out for my blunt truths. I was the only one who could see the truth. They may say what they want about me, but never accuse me of not speaking the truth.

I wish you could see that, Sam. When you grow up with lies you do not see them as so. I could only thrash and rage behind the bars of my cage as I watched this poison be dripped into your ear. This was never a fair fight, when I was so prevented from telling my side of the case. An opposing argument is hard to make when the opponent is allowed to speak freely while I was bound and gagged.

For so many years, I wished you could hear me, Sam. I tried. You must know I tried. You must know I sent demons because they were all I had to work with. I'm sorry, Sam. My messengers were not the best, but it was better than you not hearing at all. I needed somehow to guide you while I could not be there myself. I spoke to you sometimes, stupidly, knowing you could not possibly hear but... it helped. I was cut so far off from everything, so isolated... Lonely, I suppose. I'll admit that, I was lonely. And you were such good company for someone I had yet to meet.

I know you were lonely too, Sam. I'll say again how much I wish I could have been there for you. I felt the anguish along with you, all those times running away and not knowing where you were running to. It was such a cruel curse for you, to not even _know_. You didn't understand where you were going, you weren't even aware you were trying to get to me. To get to somewhere you could not go. Forced to trail back to _them_, again and again.

You see how cruel the position they put us in has been. I was waiting. You were coming toward me, running. Then you meet a wall. A wall between us that it took so many years to break down, you clawing at one side, me the other.

I wanted to grasp you to me then and never let you go. Finally free, finally able to be close to you, but I knew I could not force myself upon you. I could never do that to you, Sam. I let you go, knowing how shocked, how scared you were. I carried on waiting, finding a... less intimidating form to approach you in. I have been so patient for you, Sam, you can't even understand how patient. I have waited your lifetime a thousand times over, and I would have waited longer. As long as I was waiting for you.

It hurt, I'll confess to you, the way you first looked at me. The last thing I wanted was for you to fear me, but there was the smallest consolation in your eyes, the tiniest evidence of something _else_, something closer to how it should be. Somewhere deep inside, repressed by so much corruption and lies, but somewhere there, I think you maybe loved me, too.

Stolen moments, like I said. I backed off. I made sure not to pressure you. I waited and waited and waited. There were so many things I wanted to say, but I had to pick and chose my words, telling you what I could when I could. So many interruptions, so many distractions, it was so rare I could speak to you alone, to say what I really wanted to say. That I loved you. If circumstances would have only allowed, I would have told you that I loved you.

I like to think you maybe knew, in the end. Perhaps you could feel it, feel my love for you, when we finally became one. Our union was cut short too soon, though I knew that was the beginning of our true understanding. You were starting to _see_. All those years of lies and twisted truths finally coming undone, the wall between us broken, you- finally- with me where you belonged, and then... then it was over.

I got to keep you for a while longer, again our time together ruined by circumstance. I would never wish the cage upon you. You don't know how much it hurt me to let you go, but when Death came for you I gave you up. I... I gave you away for your own sake. Because I love you that much. I love you so very much, even at my own expense, even at cost of my own happiness. That is how much I care for you, Sam.

What more can I say? What more can I do to make you understand? What do you want from me, Sam? Don't tell me nothing again, because there is so much I could give you. I will bring you the world wrapped in a bow, Sam, you only have to ask it.

I loved you first, Sam. And I love you still. With more depth, more passion, more understanding than anyone else could even come close to. No one will love you more, Sam. They never have and never will. I have made sure of it, I have made sure I love you most. Even when I have only been able to watch, I have loved you more than those who do not appreciate the fortune they have of being able to be close to you.

I know you still do not quite understand. Our broken time together was far from what I wanted, but still I treasured every moment. I replay them in my head now, I think about them, I think about you. I'm always thinking about you.

I'm still here, Sam. Still watching over you from afar, still trying to claw my way back to you, still loving you more than anyone else ever could. I'm still waiting, Sam. Come back soon.


End file.
